As I integrate my lessons from this years burn, my week long journey had an undeniable highlighted theme: Surrender + Soften :: Gentleness is not weakness, it's true power.
I left my rigidness, righteousness, and pain in the dust this year!
The men stood behind us, holding space, loving the feminine unconditionally and witnessing the most sacred wounding of the feminine. I melted into jello and allowed my brothers and sisters on the playa to see a part of me that only I allowed myself to know. In this space of softness I received more love, care, respect, laughter, and tenderness which could only happen from a place of being fully surrendered-I didn't "try" to be ok or pull myself together in front of my friends, I didn't drag myself up off the floor when people who knew me would pass me by to say hello...it was hard to not be "strong", get up and keep moving like a warrior goddess as I had been well trained to be, keeping the pain within through contraction my body to give me the 'strength' I need to get up. Instead I remained and loved exactly where I was and the gifts came to me by staying soft and relaxed in my body, allowing it to move through the clearing of emotions that we're trapped in my cells until the clearing had it's way with me and I was nice and empty.
I have a profoundly new relationship with my body, for she is now relaxed in all the places where pain was once stored and her voice is louder than ever as she asked me to ride the waves of subtlety, following the synchronistic signs of F L O W. Let that be the Universal force that carries me so I may remain in my soft feminine power and stay open to new ways as this integration will make an impact on personal and professional life.
Being both Soft & Strong is a combination that only a few have mastered.
I am a badass with a wild heart and the type of woman you want standing by your side. I know a lot of women who could hold their own because we have had to depend solely on ourselves so we know how to be in our masculine and get things done. Radical self-reliance. Who would we be as strong women without this over identification that society, our sisters, men and ourselves place on us-I am talking to you Ms. Independent Woman? It takes a lot of courageous to be out in the world on your own and create your life, it can always harden us up as women and don't let men lead us causing them to take a back seat. Given we need a really big container and a strong masculine to hold us and allow for us to surrender, any good looking prince just wont do, I'm talking about an embodied powerhouse masculine who works in the subtleties and knows how to loving lead. I know we want this type of KING ladies but can we soften into him and let him be a man or do you want to keep doing it all, leading the way in every situation just because you can? If you are anything like how I was , I had the whole Purpose Driven, Warrior Princess Gotta Save The World Type of Vibe going on and everyone around knew how strong I am. I wore it like a badge of honor with my body held together tightly prepared for battle. Living with parts of me that seems to be in a state of permeant contraction. TRUSTING OTHERS CAN DO IT and allow others to lead me was SUPER challenging for me coming from my Middle Eastern Heritgae, Childhood, and over 15+ years of project management. It was so engrained in my cells to take charge and guide others, so for me to follow someone else was uncomfortable and scary and honestly unknown for me especially when it came to relationships or friendships. My intention last year at the end of Burning man was to " let go of control" and I got extremely clear that was coming up again to be cleared on Day 1 this year. Now I faced two options, I could either resist and push my way through the journey with tension and hope to sync up to the flow or for a change, take a back seat to my mind, follow my heart and others and allow myself to be pleasantly surprised at the way which spirit and others guided me into the unknown destinations.
The reason why humans control is because we are afraid to surrender and trust another person because our past programming tells us we aren't safe to trust.
This burn opened me up to realize that I know everything and nothing all at the same time and that my way isn't always the BEST and ONLY way-how boring would life be if I stuck by that as my truth. The curious little girl inside of me can learn new ways to d the same things that may be more pleasurable and when I feel that badass boss inside who has been running the show for years come up and start to whisper "what if they do it wrong or get us lost....or thats not right we need to do it" I smile, take a breath and softly whisper back to her " I am open to receiving a new way" and this will be my mantra moving forward thanks to a soul sister of mine who helped me with this affirmation that I am sharing with you today.
I spent many years looking for love in the bottom of a shot glass at endless nightclubs, bars, and events and at a low point in my life I realized that no amount of alcohol, sex, and partying could satisfy my deep appetite for love. I discovered, through this perfectly designed journey of pain, that the love I was seeking was never outside of myself, it was patiently waiting to be reclaimed and unleashed. This Blog is medicine-Its my medicine to anyone who needs and desires it on their personal journey to reclamation.