Am I really free or am I just telling myself I am?
How a childhood trauma and media influenced me on a deep subconscious level that I had no idea was limiting me until my recent trip to Bali. (Video posted below)
Have you ever seen those movies that are all about women traveling to foreign countries either alone or with a friend and they get kidnapped, attacked, drugged and end up in sex trafficking trade? They make whole series out them like the thriller “Taken” where his daughter gets abducted from her own hotel room and taken into the world or drugs and sex trafficking and the entire movie is about him searching and killing to find her all the while the other women suffer and are ignored during the process because we need to focus on the main woman of the story. I used to watch so many of those movies growing up, so did my sisters and my mom and it terrified us and excited us to watch it all at them same time. When is was about 12 years old I had my own “taken” moment when innocently minding my own business and walking home from school in broad daylight a Hispanic man jumped out in front of me and grabbed me nay the arm yelling at me to come with him into this underground garage. Shaken and stunned I had no idea what was happening but through a series of events and by the grace of god i had a moment to realize that i could fight back and took my chance so i kicked and pushed him and started to make my escape. As I looked back he pulled out a gun and pointed it in my direction so I zig zagged like hell and prayed for dear life this man wouldn’t pull the trigger. With tears streaming down my face and crying for help no one stopped to assist me and the man disappeared in the shadow of the garage to never be seen again. Karma is a bitch and I’m sure that man got his at some later point in life and that moment in time taught me that i could protect myself and channel my own inner warrior priestess. I have done years of personal development work clearing this emotional fear and resistance towards the masculine and to be honest I felt very clear and done with this situation. Fast forward to present day, I’m sitting in a cafe in Bali on top of a Mountain in Ubud looking out the windowless wall openings in the middle of the jungle with Moroccan hanging lights, giant stone goddess statues and Russel Simons sitting across from us in this dream like restaurant tucked away in the trees. There are people working on laptops, babies walking around, people laughing and smiling, and there I was sipping on my turmeric latte on the verge of tears as i realize my Women’s retreat is about to be over and I’m going to have to adventure the rest of this trip on my own in a foreign land as the ladies at the table are talking about the horrific real life situations that have happened to women they know of or have heard of here in Bali while on their own. I have traveled alone before but never completely alone and free without knowing someone at my next destination, ready to greet me. In that moment I was seeing my entire world through the eyes of that little sacred girl and lost my shit, i began to ball my eyes out and the unprocessed emotions that have been hiding way below the surface came forward. Thank you Mama Bali for your magical land and jungle medicine, I was not free, I was scared and keeping myself safe in a cage of familiarity for the fear that I would experience the same thing I had in my youth or even worse since I was the farthest away from home I have ever been without knowing a single soul. Who would come for me, at least in the movie she was on the phone with her dad and he came and fought hell to get her, but with my phone taken no one would know and that fear sent me into a down spiral that ultimately gave me an evolutionary opportunity that essentially set me free.
I’m writing this from the terrace of a magical hotel tucked away in the heart of Canggu, a. City outside of Ubud where I don't know a single soul and had no hotel booking or idea where I would end up. I got lost three times on the way here which took me over 2 hours instead of the 45 minutes gps had said and I had to redirect myself without it, almost got into two mini incidents on my motor bike. It’s good thing I’m a great driver, rode motor bikes in college and have been to burning man 6 times where everyone drives crazy at night. I drive through the streets super present, and jammed out the entire way to bad ass tunes in my earbuds and I laughed and smiled at all my fears I passed and left them along side the road, on each turn i took making a ritual out of my whole journey here. Bye bye limiting reality! I moved right through them with grace and ease. I found this place through the help of google maps, god bless the internet and my international plan, the times we live in are so different than back in the day of when these movies were created and the truth is each person I met I have been so friendly and smiley with me. I cruised along in my black sequence top with a red skirt with side slits showing my legs the whole way. men would look at me and i would smile and the were happy and I didn’t get any low vibes from anyone. I mean they have so many statues of half naked goddess all around their city-I’m just a real life moving goddess on a motto bike and what I realized yet again is its all about energy baby. The times are changing, women are stronger and men can feel it so there aren’t these killers and predators out there waiting on every corner to come after us. When I went to burning man 6 years ago there was art piece that said “What would it be liked if women were safe in the world” and today I got to live that truth and feel the experience of being safe in a foreign country wearing exactly what i want and holding myself at a high level of divinity in my energy, creating safety within myself.
I felt so empowered, confident, safe, and alive busting through the fear game that had been subconsciously holding me back for decades and just like that the entire world became available for me and a new lifestyle reality was shown to me that I couldn’t fully imagine before. When I feel safe i feel free as a natural result. Liberation tastes so sweet. Sparked from that question burned into my brain, i took it one step further and switched it from a fear place to a place of love and began to ask myself “What would the world be like if women were free”...free from self judgement and shame, self imposed limitations and societal fears. What if women were free from the inner cages they put themselves into and were free in their expression ,their sexuality/sensuality, their voice, their power, what would the world be like if suddenly women were doing hip circles and rolls in the middle of the shopping isle just because it felt good in the moment? What if women no longer needed permission from their own inner critic or the outside world, one may think that this type of women would be dangerous. Many societies think it would be dangerous to have women in power and therefore keep their women suppressed, under resourced, and literally cut off their source of pleasure.
I believe it would be heaven on earth with the feminine running wild spreading her light and beauty abundantly. Businesses would be more profitable. Governments would be more representative. Families stronger and communities healthier. There would be less violence - and more peace, stability and sustainability. I want more women to be their own version of a modern day Warrior Priestesses. When women are free and happy, they will know how to rule their own world and in turn create a better world for all with “fierce grace” as Ram Dass puts it.
Think about being in the presence a beautiful , smart, confident, radiant and expressed woman- If you’re a man you want to be with her and if you’re a woman you want to be her as her higher self whispers “ She Knows She is Free” . The next day I went on an adventure to find this secluded black sand beach tucked away in a village that looked like nothing excited and was so inspired I recorded this video just for you all.
If you can relate to this or have experienced this yourself comment below because this fear tactic to keep women from expanding into their greatness due to the shadow of the patriarchal masculine is an outdated story for all of us. Men are not evil, women are not weak and the truth is we get to create whatever reality it is we desire to experience in our life and its so much better tougher! So I end it with the simple cliche that hold so much truth which is “ choose love” loving thoughts about yourself, the people around you, the world, and the universe because it really is all here in service to you and let pleasure power your choices.
Thanks for recieving this piece of my heart & sending infinite blessing to you all!
I spent many years looking for love in the bottom of a shot glass at endless nightclubs, bars, and events and at a low point in my life I realized that no amount of alcohol, sex, and partying could satisfy my deep appetite for love. I discovered, through this perfectly designed journey of pain, that the love I was seeking was never outside of myself, it was patiently waiting to be reclaimed and unleashed. This Blog is medicine-Its my medicine to anyone who needs and desires it on their personal journey to reclamation.